Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Zombie Project (Boxcar children - I'm not joking)

Most of the time I choose books that sound good. Sometimes I buy books that sound so terrible that they arouse my curiosity.

When I saw The Zombie Project (Boxcar Children Mysteries #128) for sale on Amazon I thought "WTF are they doing to my childhood?" Then I bought it because I needed to know. I think it's impossible to really review this book. It's bad. Sometimes I feel like it's a joke. Then I find myself wondering "Were they always this bad & I just never realized?"

So here are some of the highlights from my brain spasms as I read this book.

How the heck are they still the same age?
Apparently the original author died in 1979. Which means these books were written BEFORE 1979. Benny is still 6. Henry is still 14. I don't feel like the other characters ages were discussed. And it's not set in the original time period because they make a point of mentioning blogs & digital video cameras. It's just jarring.

"Breakfast is pretty, too," said Benny.
Seriously this child is on the path to childhood obesity. I've never seen food mentioned more in a book. Almost everything that came out of Benny's mouth was food-related.
Things Benny talks about eating (that I remember): Pancakes, peach cobbler, smores, fish, candy
Quote of the book for me.
"Henry, do you have any money for snacks?" said Benny.
Henry laughed, "You just ate, Benny."
"I always have room for dessert," said Benny.
Seriously you don't need to describe everything Benny eats. Maybe the books were always this way. But at the moment childhood obesity is kind of a big deal so maybe you should chillax a little on the FEED ME NOW Benny school of thoughts.

I'm way too old & not innocent enough to be reading this book
"See these bushes?" said Violet. "They're all smashed down in one spot." Hmmm wonder what people were doing in those bushes? Yep thats my first thought. Not sure what's wrong with me.

Review-ish section
The mystery is pretty dumb. I tried to find a nicer way to say that. But when your mystery revolves around a charity golf-tournament and a "villain" who is foiled by not turning off the ringer on his cellphone I can't help but wonder why this book was written. Obviously it's ghost written (OOO unless Gertrude Chandler Warren is the zombie!). I imagine what happened was "Hey zombies are popular let's throw one into a Boxcar Children story" then rather than thinking better of this proposal they actually wrote it. And HEY it must've worked for them somewhat because I bought the ebook. But I bought it to laugh at, not because it sounded good. Is that really what we want the Boxcar children to become? Is destroying my childhood really worth a few bucks? This book just makes me sad inside. It's good for a laugh though. But be aware, I'm not laughing with it, I'm laughing at it.

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